Wicked Game.

I stand there, naked and shaking
I look down at this pathetic frame, this wicked body
Water running over every imperfection
Every rise and fall that makes me feel sick to my stomach

I am disgusted.
Horrified.
Ashamed.
Afraid.

I grab at the space between my jutting hips
I squeeze the plump fat on my thighs and arms -
Hating every inch of my body,
Why won't it all disappear?

I am a prisoner of my own corruption
My own downfall
My own obscure insecurities -
And I see myself fading, a little bit more every day

My stubbornness will be the death of me,
And yet, I cannot stop

I've tried,
But trying isn't good enough

How many times must I fall to pieces on the kitchen floor,
Tears streaming down my face,
My head aching, the emptiness taking over my being
The anger pulsing through my veins,
JUST DO IT, I say to myself
Just FUCKING DO IT.
I stand there
Fists in balls at my waist
Teeth clenched
Knees locked -
Then it goes black.
I drop to a puddle on the tile.
Worn out - am I dying?
Not yet, you worthless coward.
You haven't even begun your fight.
Is this all a dream? No. I'm living a nightmare.
Then I open my mouth,
Screaming out - I just can't do it.
Such a mess of a girl.

And it never occurs to me -
STOP
This is absurd, don't you get that?
No one else does this. Some do.
Don't play that game with me. Fine.
You're ill. I know.
Do you care? Yes.
Really? I hate to see you cry.
Is that all you care about? Honestly, yes.
I wish you cared more about yourself. I don't know how.
You're a beautiful girl, do you know that? I've heard that said before.
Do you believe it? No.
What a shame. I know.

Then you start crying; Please don't cry
I won't make it
I'm so weak
I'm too far gone,
And you can't bare to lose me -
That's what you said

But It will be alright
Believe me, I've got this under control -
No you don't.
Maybe I don't, but it will still be OK.
You keep saying that.
I know - but I don't want you to worry.
Too bad. Too late. I worry all the time.
And you won't be OK.

You have no idea
You don't know anything about recovery
You don't know what it is I'm going through -
No fucking clue.

I get defensive to save my addiction,
It's more apart of me that you could ever imagine,
And I don't know how to let her go ...

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to conquer -
Worse then drugs
Worse than the alcohol
Worse than the blood
Worse than the death
Worse than the bruises
Worse than the word with a face;
This trumps them all

I'm so tired,
So lost
So confused
So determined
So blank
So ... Sick.
And I know all of this.
Believe what you want to believe, but I'm telling the truth.

So, do you want to get better? Yes. More than you can imagine.
Then why don't you? It's not that easy.
Then what do you need to do? I don't know ....
Anything I can do to help?

Tell me its OK to indulge,
That I'm beautiful the way I am,
That my body is perfect, even if perfect doesn't exist
Tell me I can beat this,
Sit with me as I cry, as I learn to fill my emptiness once again
When I insist that I just can't do it, tell me we'll do it together
Tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel - help me to see it
Show me that what I see isn't grotesque, that it's lovely, at any number, at any shape
That whats on the outside, isn't half as important as whats on the inside
Teach me that I don't have to hurt myself, that I deserve love and happiness
Make me want to live again
Make me smile and laugh, for REAL.

Show me all of this, then maybe, just maybe I can begin to open up again
I can start my path to recovery
So that I can begin to live.
This, all of this, is what I want.
I'm so tired of this disease, and I need help.
That's the hardest thing for me to admit,
But I want to feel like me again,

So tell me, where do I begin?

-Gray

Secrets

Page after page
I sit here looking, reading, searching
For the words I cannot express

I'm desperately fixed on every line, every testimony
Hoping that within the lines, I will find my salvation
That they hold the answers, the cure - to my demise

Instead I find the opposite -
They fuel my drive for perfection;
Their tricks, their fight, becomes my reality
Until day after day I find myself in the same spot,
And I find that I'm alone
Holding on tight, to the one thing that destroys me the most

And all I can think - how did I get back here?
How did I let myself slip, yet again
And even still, I can't stop
And I swear, how can you not hear it?
It's so loud in my head - louder than anything I've ever known
And it keeps dragging me back in - louder and louder
Until my body shakes,
My knees buckle,
My heart pounds an erratic beat,
And I fall to the ground ...

So, tell me, what am I supposed to say?
What are you waiting to hear?
That I'll stop? Because I will.
When? Not now.
Why not? I can't.
That's ridiculous. I know.
Then STOP. I can't.
You're making everyone worry. I don't mean to.
So, what are you going to do? I don't know.
You can't keep this up forever. I know.
Do you? No.
You're going to die. No I'm not.
Yes you are. NO I'm not.
Will you please just get help? I can't ... Not yet.
I miss the old you. So do I.

Then I'm alone
Broken heart in hand,
And you're voice in my head.

I used to be so whole, but now that's a distant memory.
I don't want this hurt.
I don't want this bullshit.
I don't want this evil.
I don't want this addiction.
I don't want this weakness.
I don't want to die.
I don't want you to cry.
I don't want you to worry.
I don't want this at all ...

But god how scared I am,
How deep I'm in,
How lost I am,
How sick my body and mind are,
I need help,
So why can't I just runaway?
Why can't I just say it?
Why, god why.

So all I have left, is to hold on.
I'm doing my best. Believe me, I am.
I'm not going to blame anyone but myself.
I got too close, and she swallowed me whole.
Now she's all I know.
And I can't forget everything that she's taught me.
Everything she's told me.
And now I can't walk away.

But please don't give up on me.
I'll be OK.
I promise ...
Just not today.

-Gray.

Wasted.

What do you do when you have no one to turn to?
Nowhere to go?
Nothing left to say ....

When the ones you loved, become the ones you avoid
When their words hurt more than your thoughts

CRAZY! They shout
Never thinking once what that might sound like to you
Not realizing that those five little words will fester into a war within your head
When, I Love You, is all you wanted to hear

Now the sight of them, makes you cringe
When every passing second, is the time when you're waiting for their critique
Plotting your time alone
The damage you will do, as you try and figure out how to push them away

They think they know,
But god they have no idea
If only they could feel as bad as you, then maybe they might see
But they never will -
Because NORMAL is what they think they are
And it's not fair

They don't understand what it is you're doing
How long you've gone without -
Love, Compassion, Attention, Happiness
Now all you have is that empty feeling that sits inside you,
The feeling you rely on, because it is the only feeling that you can understand
And that is something that they can never understand.

You judge your happiness by your reflection in the mirror;
Will today be good or bad? Check the scale.
Why can't you see whats in front of you? You need to just look harder
But you still don't see it; you'll never see it
They ruined it for you
And they won't stop you; they think its a game
So you play along, it's how you get what you want
But is this really what you want? No, I didn't think so.
But now you can't stop; you've gone too far, and you need help

HELP! I don't need help you say
But you know you do
It's why you hide yourself away; why you cry yourself to sleep
But you can't tell anyone, because you find it hard to say
And they find it hard to take

So instead you continue, like a ghost
Blackout -
You shake too much,
You're never warm,
You can't think straight,
You're hearts a mess

But you're fine; you keep saying
Maybe they'll believe you, maybe you will too

But none of that really matters
You're still alone, left with the horror that beats inside

And all I want is for you to hold me close,
Please never let go; promise you won't disappear

But you can only lean on someone for so long,
Then they throw their hands up; they'll all be gone
Back to square one
So you learn, never get too close, never care too much, never count on anyone
Because no matter who says they'll be there, no matter what they say, they never are.
You're all by yourself.

Then the room starts to spin,
And you curl up on the floor.
Hopeless and cold
That's what you feel.
FUCK IT ALL.
That's what you think.
When will it all end? And will you be alone?
That's all you can ask.

So what do you do when you have no one to turn to?
Nowhere to go?
Nothing left to say ....

When the ones you loved, become the ones you avoid
When their words hurt more than your thoughts

All I want is someone to hold onto,
Someone who won't point a rigged finger at me -
I don't need to hear what's wrong with me; don't you think I know?
I don't want to hear you; as you mess with my mind

Just give me support.
Is it so hard to listen
Is it so hard to love
Is it so hard to care
Is it so hard to encourage
Is it so hard to kiss
Is it so hard to laugh
Is it so hard to smile
It must be.

Or is it me?
It must be.
Do I not deserve any of that?
Do I not matter, am I not good enough?
Apparently not.

And so I sit here,
Me and my emptiness that hugs me in its toxic way
Wondering what is to come of me, now that I've lost control

But it's OK, I know the right words to say
And I wish I didn't
But don't worry, I'll make it - I've come this far
I just wish you were here, whoever you are
To block it out
To keep me from fading;
Save my soul.

-Gray

Why

Why By Ariel Gray

You asked me to think about
What it is I'm doing
So I put my guard up
I thought you'd be another to take it away from me
And I can't have that

I looked past the numbers and fading smiles
Past the punches
The curses
The tears
The bruises,
Because it's all my fault anyway
Right?
Wrong.

I close my eyes so tight
Till the colors black,
And you disappear.
And I'm safe.
Even if for a little.
Until the voices trickle back
Quietly murdering what's left inside.
Stop, please god stop, just wait.

But the room keeps spinning
And I don't dare open my eyes
Even as I hear your shouting lies
So sorry, that's what I heard
As I tilt my head back
I open my eyes
And through the blurred glaze
I saw his face
Before he drown

Then I heard the piano tune up
The keys hit down to the pounding of my heart
C G/B Am F G
I felt the color drain out my thoughts
All sense of being rational -
Went away
Why?
Was all I could say

I couldn't tell
Which face was yours
I just started yelling out
- Asshole
Worthless
Selfish
Abusive
Absent
Heartless
Cheat
Dick
Jerk Off
God how I hate you -
I fucking hate you,
But I loved you -
God how I loved you,
I needed you -
I fucking needed you,
To protect me,
To love me,
To teach me,
To hug me, and to hold me,
To be there,
But you weren't.
And you never were.
And you will never be.
But god how I wish you were.
And god how I hate to admit that.

Now you're her's
Now you're theirs
And I'm gone.

Now all I have are the pictures I look at each night
When I was sweet and young
When you were in love
When we were together
Now we're apart
Forever.

They said to give it time,
But I've waited long enough
I've cried too much
I've wished too often
I've spent too many nights hung over the toilet
I've spent too many years starving my soul, my body
I've put up with too much
Screaming
Pushing
Shoving
Running
Drinking -
Destroying.

I was hoping you would pick me up
I was waiting for you to tell me: Everything Will Be Alright
But instead you called me: A Waste Of Time
And when I told you I'm sorry I'm such a Fuck Up,
You told me, over my hysteria: That's Not My Problem.

And that's when I realized
It;s over.
I heard the piano once again,
C G/B Am F G
And I let out a cry ...

You never realize how bad it hurts, until someone walks out on you
You never realize how broken you are, until the last piece of you tears your whole heart apart
So you drink yourself to sleep
Where it plays out once more

Then you wake up to find out
You can't escape

I fooled myself into thinking
It doesn't hurt,
I don't think about it,
I'm OK.

LIES.
All Lies.

I see it in the mirror,
I see it in my face,
I hear it in the smack he tells me,
I feel it in the black and blue written all over my body,
On my heart,
And in my head.

So I say,
Tonight I'm going hard
I'm gonna be dangerous,
Drink until I'm fried.

But I know better they say.
I'm just digging my grave -
They think they know who we are,
But they only know what I tell them,
And that's not everything.

But they still said to give it time,
But I've had enough.

So when you asked me to think about
What it is I'm doing,
I already have.
Which is why I thought you'd be another to take it away.

But now my eyes are open
And I see it clearly
I've found you in another -
To continue,
The LIES,
All lies.

So why Am I looking past the numbers and fading smiles?
Past the punches
The curses
The tears
The bruises,
When I know it's not my fault.

Because God how I hate you,
I fucking hate you,
But I loved you.
God how I loved you -
I needed you,
I fucking needed you -
To protect me, from you
To love me, like I loved you
To teach me, that I deserved better
To hug me, and hold me, because that's what you should have done
To be there, because without you, look what I've become

But now the room keeps spinning
And I don't dare open my eyes
Because he is everything that was inside of you
The hatred
The blood
The cuts
The hurt -

Then I heard the piano tune up
The keys hit down to the beat of my heart
C G/B Am F G
I felt the color drain out my thoughts
All sense of being rational -
Was gone
Why?
That's all I could say.

-Gray