The Pretenders

Have you ever been the one to care more?
Have you ever gone to the ends of the earth for someone, only to have them never be there for you?
When you take the time to check in on them - hey, how are you doing today? You ok? Need anything? I love you
You call them, text them, drive to hell and back, and yet they can't seem to remember when you need them most, even when you tell them ... I need you.
When they tell you, I'm here, anything you need, any time, any day ... but it's all just empty lies
You remember birthdays, holidays, celebrations, even the rough times -especially the rough times ... that's when it hurts
When you need to hold them, kiss them, cry with them
But maybe I'm expecting too much
Maybe I'm reading too deep
But all I know is my heart aches, my stomach it churns, my mind is a mess, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't figure out how to live .... and so, I'm all alone
And I don't know how else to reach out ... because no matter how many times I try, you never respond, you never come to me, you're never there
And I feel like I don't even matter. I don't deserve one minute of your time.
And I'm sorry if I offend you, but I just had to say -
That I'm dying inside. And I need you now ... more than ever.

The Girl

She said she was a person, before they brought her down
She was better than this dark relentless cloud
That kept her in a cage.
She had sold her future, and buried who she was
Until she heard them say, I won't ever let you go
But that was a lie; still is a lie
Like I never would have known -
When you never answer
Never call
Never try
When I said I needed you the most
You kept me waiting
You kept me hoping
You keep me under
You never wonder
How it hurts
And you're all the same
I've nowhere to turn
No one to cry
And I know you're going to go
I know I closed the door
I know you care no more
But maybe you'll realize I'm writing this for you
Because you see, you've left me all alone
When I believed it all along
When you said you'd never leave - left alone

Juicebox

Everyone says the pain will get less as time passes
But I don't believe them
I think they only say it for this -
So you can face getting out of bed every day
You think TODAY MIGHT BE THE DAY
But it never is

MindFuck.

So Go Out There And Show Them, They Mean More Than Me
And Go Ahead And Say it, I Love You
If It Makes You Feel Better; But I Don't Believe You At All
The Words Fall Out, But Your Eyes Say It All
And No Matter How Deep I Make It
No Matter How Loud I Scream It
You Still Stand There
Watching, As You Emotionally Mindfuck Me
So I Open Wide
I Don't Deserve This Bullshit You Throw At Me
But I Take It Like A Lady Would
And I Pray The Water Will Swallow Me Whole,
Then You Start To Count
And I Can't Hear From All The Pills
But You Don't Stop
One, Two, Three, Five, Eight
And The Lights Go Out

The Sound Of Silence

Your Fears Climb Up Your Spine Like Spiders
Proving There Is Plenty To Worry About
Chanting Over And Over
Razors Pain You
Rivers Are Damp
Acids Stain You
Drugs Cause Cramps
Guns Aren't Lawful
Nooses Give
Gas Smells Awful
You Might As Well Live.

The Funeral

The Light Of My Life, Fire Of My Loins. My Sin, My Soul.

I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

Clouds pass and disperse.
Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?
Is it for such I agitate my heart?

I am incapable of more knowledge.
What is this, this face
So murderous in its strangle of branches? -

Its snaky acids kiss.
It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults
That kill, that kill, that kill.

- Plath

Asshole.

I spilled my heart to you.

You tell me you tried. No you fucking DIDN'T.

You LIE to me.

You HURT me.

You DEGRADE me.

You PUNISH me.

You DON'T CARE about me.

You are an ASSHOLE.
No matter what I tell you, no matter how hard I cry, no matter how many times I try, no matter who tells you ... You NEVER change.
STUPID me. Why can't I get it through my FUCKING HEAD.
I need to let go. But I can't. I feel like a part of my is dying inside. I feel like my heart is broken into a thousand pieces.
All I asked was for your LOVE. All you said, was I GAVE it to you.
But I still need it. Why don't you get it? What did I do wrong?
Fuck you. Just fuck you. And fuck me for loving you so much, still.

Masochist.

I sit here listening to the sound of my heart beat

For its all I can hear

My body shakes and my hands are deadly -

And this my heart knows

I try and peel back whats left of me

Try and replace what has become with what they want me to be

But it doesn't work

I must have choked

When it all went black

And the water crept in

And the fire let up

I felt the color slipping through my hands

In a panic I drained it out

I cut that vein to pour it out

And it ran, like a beautiful river

Down and out my feet

And I could finally breathe

But it was so dark

I was so cold

And I couldn't see

And I couldn't feel

So I dug in deeper

As deep as I could go

The voice that crept out the side of my cheek it spoke to me

Louder and louder still

KEEP GOING

So I couldn't stop

I ignored the hurt

The swollen doubt

The voice was all I heard

Come undone

So I rationalized my thoughts

As my mistakes kept stinging

In slow motion I heard them yell

Save her soul

So I lashed out

I beat them to it

With that sweet writing

I've come so far

They won't shut me down

But it was then,

I felt the color slipping through my hands

In a panic I drained it out

I cut that vein to pour it out

And it ran, like a beautiful river

Down and out my feet

And I could finally breathe

But in a moment I realized

I left my heart with you

And you stayed in my head

Until the voice crept in

It told me this

You're taking my for granted baby

So I decided I wasn't worth it

And when I grew up I called it mine

And it was then it shot me down

I kept nodding my head

You watched me fall -

I upheld your every need

Your every dream

Whilst forsaking my own

And I hope -

You cannot see

What is inside of me

My self destroyer

I didn't want to frighten you

But It was growing

Bigger and bigger

Surrounding me

Suffocating me

But let me tell you

Sometimes I forget its alive

And its then I can say

- It makes me real

And nothing can stop me

And You can't make me something that I'm not

But that kills you

I know it does

So I tune you out

Like the cruel cruel world I face on my own

Without you

So I turn off the lights

I turn up the sound

I play it cool

And I fade into the darkness

As the voice whispers back

I choose you

So I sit here

listening to the sound of my heart beat

As if it's all I can hear

And I let my body shake

Because my hands are deadly -

And this my heart knows all too well

---

A.