Masochist.

I sit here listening to the sound of my heart beat

For its all I can hear

My body shakes and my hands are deadly -

And this my heart knows

I try and peel back whats left of me

Try and replace what has become with what they want me to be

But it doesn't work

I must have choked

When it all went black

And the water crept in

And the fire let up

I felt the color slipping through my hands

In a panic I drained it out

I cut that vein to pour it out

And it ran, like a beautiful river

Down and out my feet

And I could finally breathe

But it was so dark

I was so cold

And I couldn't see

And I couldn't feel

So I dug in deeper

As deep as I could go

The voice that crept out the side of my cheek it spoke to me

Louder and louder still

KEEP GOING

So I couldn't stop

I ignored the hurt

The swollen doubt

The voice was all I heard

Come undone

So I rationalized my thoughts

As my mistakes kept stinging

In slow motion I heard them yell

Save her soul

So I lashed out

I beat them to it

With that sweet writing

I've come so far

They won't shut me down

But it was then,

I felt the color slipping through my hands

In a panic I drained it out

I cut that vein to pour it out

And it ran, like a beautiful river

Down and out my feet

And I could finally breathe

But in a moment I realized

I left my heart with you

And you stayed in my head

Until the voice crept in

It told me this

You're taking my for granted baby

So I decided I wasn't worth it

And when I grew up I called it mine

And it was then it shot me down

I kept nodding my head

You watched me fall -

I upheld your every need

Your every dream

Whilst forsaking my own

And I hope -

You cannot see

What is inside of me

My self destroyer

I didn't want to frighten you

But It was growing

Bigger and bigger

Surrounding me

Suffocating me

But let me tell you

Sometimes I forget its alive

And its then I can say

- It makes me real

And nothing can stop me

And You can't make me something that I'm not

But that kills you

I know it does

So I tune you out

Like the cruel cruel world I face on my own

Without you

So I turn off the lights

I turn up the sound

I play it cool

And I fade into the darkness

As the voice whispers back

I choose you

So I sit here

listening to the sound of my heart beat

As if it's all I can hear

And I let my body shake

Because my hands are deadly -

And this my heart knows all too well

---

A.