Why

Why By Ariel Gray

You asked me to think about
What it is I'm doing
So I put my guard up
I thought you'd be another to take it away from me
And I can't have that

I looked past the numbers and fading smiles
Past the punches
The curses
The tears
The bruises,
Because it's all my fault anyway
Right?
Wrong.

I close my eyes so tight
Till the colors black,
And you disappear.
And I'm safe.
Even if for a little.
Until the voices trickle back
Quietly murdering what's left inside.
Stop, please god stop, just wait.

But the room keeps spinning
And I don't dare open my eyes
Even as I hear your shouting lies
So sorry, that's what I heard
As I tilt my head back
I open my eyes
And through the blurred glaze
I saw his face
Before he drown

Then I heard the piano tune up
The keys hit down to the pounding of my heart
C G/B Am F G
I felt the color drain out my thoughts
All sense of being rational -
Went away
Why?
Was all I could say

I couldn't tell
Which face was yours
I just started yelling out
- Asshole
Worthless
Selfish
Abusive
Absent
Heartless
Cheat
Dick
Jerk Off
God how I hate you -
I fucking hate you,
But I loved you -
God how I loved you,
I needed you -
I fucking needed you,
To protect me,
To love me,
To teach me,
To hug me, and to hold me,
To be there,
But you weren't.
And you never were.
And you will never be.
But god how I wish you were.
And god how I hate to admit that.

Now you're her's
Now you're theirs
And I'm gone.

Now all I have are the pictures I look at each night
When I was sweet and young
When you were in love
When we were together
Now we're apart
Forever.

They said to give it time,
But I've waited long enough
I've cried too much
I've wished too often
I've spent too many nights hung over the toilet
I've spent too many years starving my soul, my body
I've put up with too much
Screaming
Pushing
Shoving
Running
Drinking -
Destroying.

I was hoping you would pick me up
I was waiting for you to tell me: Everything Will Be Alright
But instead you called me: A Waste Of Time
And when I told you I'm sorry I'm such a Fuck Up,
You told me, over my hysteria: That's Not My Problem.

And that's when I realized
It;s over.
I heard the piano once again,
C G/B Am F G
And I let out a cry ...

You never realize how bad it hurts, until someone walks out on you
You never realize how broken you are, until the last piece of you tears your whole heart apart
So you drink yourself to sleep
Where it plays out once more

Then you wake up to find out
You can't escape

I fooled myself into thinking
It doesn't hurt,
I don't think about it,
I'm OK.

LIES.
All Lies.

I see it in the mirror,
I see it in my face,
I hear it in the smack he tells me,
I feel it in the black and blue written all over my body,
On my heart,
And in my head.

So I say,
Tonight I'm going hard
I'm gonna be dangerous,
Drink until I'm fried.

But I know better they say.
I'm just digging my grave -
They think they know who we are,
But they only know what I tell them,
And that's not everything.

But they still said to give it time,
But I've had enough.

So when you asked me to think about
What it is I'm doing,
I already have.
Which is why I thought you'd be another to take it away.

But now my eyes are open
And I see it clearly
I've found you in another -
To continue,
The LIES,
All lies.

So why Am I looking past the numbers and fading smiles?
Past the punches
The curses
The tears
The bruises,
When I know it's not my fault.

Because God how I hate you,
I fucking hate you,
But I loved you.
God how I loved you -
I needed you,
I fucking needed you -
To protect me, from you
To love me, like I loved you
To teach me, that I deserved better
To hug me, and hold me, because that's what you should have done
To be there, because without you, look what I've become

But now the room keeps spinning
And I don't dare open my eyes
Because he is everything that was inside of you
The hatred
The blood
The cuts
The hurt -

Then I heard the piano tune up
The keys hit down to the beat of my heart
C G/B Am F G
I felt the color drain out my thoughts
All sense of being rational -
Was gone
Why?
That's all I could say.

-Gray