Secrets

Page after page
I sit here looking, reading, searching
For the words I cannot express

I'm desperately fixed on every line, every testimony
Hoping that within the lines, I will find my salvation
That they hold the answers, the cure - to my demise

Instead I find the opposite -
They fuel my drive for perfection;
Their tricks, their fight, becomes my reality
Until day after day I find myself in the same spot,
And I find that I'm alone
Holding on tight, to the one thing that destroys me the most

And all I can think - how did I get back here?
How did I let myself slip, yet again
And even still, I can't stop
And I swear, how can you not hear it?
It's so loud in my head - louder than anything I've ever known
And it keeps dragging me back in - louder and louder
Until my body shakes,
My knees buckle,
My heart pounds an erratic beat,
And I fall to the ground ...

So, tell me, what am I supposed to say?
What are you waiting to hear?
That I'll stop? Because I will.
When? Not now.
Why not? I can't.
That's ridiculous. I know.
Then STOP. I can't.
You're making everyone worry. I don't mean to.
So, what are you going to do? I don't know.
You can't keep this up forever. I know.
Do you? No.
You're going to die. No I'm not.
Yes you are. NO I'm not.
Will you please just get help? I can't ... Not yet.
I miss the old you. So do I.

Then I'm alone
Broken heart in hand,
And you're voice in my head.

I used to be so whole, but now that's a distant memory.
I don't want this hurt.
I don't want this bullshit.
I don't want this evil.
I don't want this addiction.
I don't want this weakness.
I don't want to die.
I don't want you to cry.
I don't want you to worry.
I don't want this at all ...

But god how scared I am,
How deep I'm in,
How lost I am,
How sick my body and mind are,
I need help,
So why can't I just runaway?
Why can't I just say it?
Why, god why.

So all I have left, is to hold on.
I'm doing my best. Believe me, I am.
I'm not going to blame anyone but myself.
I got too close, and she swallowed me whole.
Now she's all I know.
And I can't forget everything that she's taught me.
Everything she's told me.
And now I can't walk away.

But please don't give up on me.
I'll be OK.
I promise ...
Just not today.

-Gray.